Do you remember the Destiny’s Child song “No Scrubs”? I distinctly remember the lyrics that went something like “No, I don’t want your number. No, I don’t wanna give you mine and no, I don’t wanna meet you nowhere. No, I don’t want none of your time.”
Okay so I could be butchering it a bit as I am too lazy to look up the exact lyrics to verify but you get the gist. I think I should get that song, put it on my phone, and then play it back every time I receive what I term negative male attention. Which brings me to my next danger of singledom… unwanted phone numbers.
I’ll go ahead and countdown the list of recent experience:
5. Man I met in bar who every night would text me something with the word sexy in it. Use a thesaurus.
4. One of my clients.
3. A man twice my age who asked his buddy to ask me if I was dating someone. Just lie and say yes.
2. Someone who wants me to be their girl on the side
And the most undesirable number of all in recent months…
1. A cop who recognized my friend’s car, followed us home, chatted me up and later in the night left a note for me in my windshield with his number and a message that he wasn’t a stalker. Except for the part where he followed me home. And left a note. On my car. Parked in my driveway. And the subsequent times that he drove by my house and shone his police light into my windows just to “check on me”. Oh and also – he’s married.
From what I hear though the bad news is that even if I were dating someone or married, guys would still be…themselves. So just need to come up with some really good lines in the meantime. Here’s my list thus far:
You’ll be the first guy I’ve gone out with since that recent herpes flair up
I breed cats for a living
I don’t believe in shaving
I’m getting to be that age – would you like to be a daddy
I just lost 100 pounds, I’m sure I won’t gain it all back
I am a rules girl
My mom screens all the men I go out with, when are you available to Skype
I’ll let you know my success. So far this seems my best ammunition against yet another danger. Also for the record only some of those are true.