Poker Face

Dating sucks. I am not any good at it. I also am not any good at poker. I just suck at bluffing. I was seeing this guy for a minute and I tried really hard to play it cool. He interpreted that as me being judgmental and aloof. But if I am honest and tell someone how I feel, don’t I risk scaring them off? That guy turned out to be super sensitive so it wouldn’t have worked long term anyways. If you drive a jeep with a lift kit on it and can’t handle someone making fun of you…then obviously we were not MFEO. (Got that off an episode of Private Practice – made for each other.)

I feel like Goldilocks searching for the bed that is just right. Wait – that could be misconstrued. Maybe it’s better to discuss using the porridge metaphor instead. Not too hot and not too cold. I tend to get one of two situations: I am very interested and they are indifferent or they are very interested and I could care less. It is so rare and challenging to meet someone who you like and who likes you back in equal measure. This could be why I tend to stick with cats.

I guess what makes it harder is that I didn’t think I was going to be playing poker anymore. I met someone I liked a lot, had fun with, fell in love with, and he asked me to marry him. Then at some point after he had done the asking, he changed his mind. Just wanted to go back to being boyfriend and girlfriend. After he had proposed. And we were engaged. And he had introduced me as his fiancée. Anyone whose known me for more than thirteen seconds can imagine how well this went over. I just couldn’t trust him anymore. He made a commitment to me and to us and when it got scary, he bailed. I like how my mom put it though – it was a successful engagement. It helped us realize it wouldn’t work longterm. Or at least helped me realize this. Looking back there were flags – red, yellow, etc. But for whatever reason I ignored them. So now in addition to being single again I am weary. Not of other people but the ways in which I lie to myself and allow myself to settle. I am trying to be cautious and find myself more picky. Perhaps selective is a better way to phrase that :)

Returning to the dating world after an almost marriage is defeating. I guess it’s similar to anyone trying to get back out there after being in a committed relationship. It takes time to establish a level of comfort similar to what you’re used to. I am notoriously impatient through this getting to know you phase which is ultimately where I scare people off. I asked a friend if I may come off as intimidating and he replied “well if you said and did all the things you normally do then yes.” Not encouraging. When soliciting dating advice from male counterparts I am told constantly not to over-think it. I just wrote a blog post on it. We are so far past over-thinking.


One thought on “Poker Face

  1. You are a beautiful, fun, super-smart girl and you must be selective. Have fun & when the right one comes along you will know it, probably a good idea to avoid autos with lift kits on them though, this is where you must be very selective. Love your blog!

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